I read the biblical stories of women who when the time was
right they knelt down and gave birth to their babies and the midwives who attended
births feared God. I wanted to just
listen to my body and feel the pain that God intended. Spiritually, mentally
and physically be completely in the moment. Stand in awe of the way God had
made a women’s body, not only to grow a child, but also to bring it into this
world. Be surrounded by people who truly knew me and
wanted to be with me. So I started planning
the best I could. I planned where the
birth was going to be, who was going to be there, what I wanted to wear, what
music would be playing, what food and beverages I wanted, photos that I wanted
taken, and laboring positions to try.
But then, I felt guilty for making these plans. Shouldn't I
just be happy with a baby and not care about the details? I mean, really, the
end result is the same no matter what; a baby in my arms. Who cares about the
details and the planning! And what if it doesn't happen the way I have planned?
It will all be for nothing.
But then again I
planned my wedding down to the smallest details and took the chance that it
might rain. In the end I would be married anyway. I planned my son’s birthday
party and took the chance he might come down with the flu. In the end he would still be a year older. So
why do the details matter? Why do I do all this planning? When I look back on my life what memories stand
out? My wedding day and the birth of my children certainly make the list! So
the planning, worrying, and thinking I would jinx myself continued. Despite it
all God still granted me with, what is now, a precious memory.
So walk with me down
memory lane… ten days past my due date, trying to sleep, light steady contractions, real
or not?, light headed and nauseous, call midwife who says” rest and shower, call
back when stronger”, call mom and friend, maybe in labor, can’t rest, shower,
sick of counting and timing contractions, just want to try to ignore them, can’t
tell if really in labor, annoyed, call midwife, she’ll be there shortly, am I
really in labor, maybe I called everyone to soon, decide to wake up husband
before the midwife gets there, breathe through contractions, prepare the bed for labor, mom shows up, kids
wake up, I listen to music and dance in living room, mom says wow I can’t
believe the kids just ate 40 doughnut holes, pretend I did NOT just hear that, crank up one
of my favorite songs,” You are not a god created by human hands you are not a
god dependent on any mortal man you are not a god in need of anything we can
give by your plan, that’s just the way it is you are god alone from before time
began you were on your throne you are god alone and right now in the good times
and bad you are on your throne you are god alone…unchangeable, unshakable, unstoppable that’s what you are” ,(lyrics
from You are God Alone by Philips,
Craig, & Dean), play song again, dance with husband, greet midwife as she
arrives, hug toddler as she runs by,
watch midwife set up her things, put foot up on couch, lean and sway with next
contraction, 'Sweet Jesus' starts playing, midwife stops setting up to come and
sway with me through the whole song,” Sweet Jesus my Savior you are my faithful
friend you made me, you know me and you see my every sin and my soul is amazed
by this gift of your grace and these arms that take me in.” ( lyrics from Sweet
Jesus), pray, smile at mom, midwife assistant arrives, enjoy listening to my
kids playing in the next room, midwife checks for dilation, dilated to 10,
laugh and say you got to be kidding, midwife says she wouldn't kid about that,
smile at husband and ask is this for real, wait through contraction, decide I
should get more serious and start thinking about pushing, sister- friend- and
niece arrive, listen to them talk and
take pictures, try to get comfortable, rock on all fours, baby coming, mom puts
my hair up, pushing, just breathe, music
too loud, turn music down, just want baby out, baby out, it’s a boy, where’s my
baby, Husband passes him up and into my arms, skin to skin, lots of smiles, lay
on couch, kids come rush to see, look what God made, cut cord, deliver
placenta, assistant shows kids the
placenta, breastfeed, enjoy being surrounded by people whom I love and
love me, herbal bath, marvel with husband how god gave us another precious
child, cup runneth over, try to rest, adrenaline to high, listen to everyone
tell their version of my memory, learn that sister is now called pad lady for
assistance with pads, admire pictures my friend took, enjoy husband story on how when the head was
born the baby looked at him and how he unwrapped the cord from around the
shoulder and then caught his baby boy,
bask in the glow and pride that my husband has at that moment, mom excited, she
shares in my joy once again, baby weighed in sling, notice midwife assistance
shirt is inside out and backwards, she knew and didn't care was just in a hurry
to get to my birth, realize I was completely surrounded by people who truly
wanted to be there and share in my memory, turkey dinner, birthday cake, soak
up every moment so they will be etched in my memory forever.
God gave us a precious
baby and brought him into this world in such a peaceful and amazing way that
was beyond what I could have ever planned! For this I am so undeserving but
extremely grateful. I cannot credit this memory to being home, or to a midwife,
or to my planning, but to our amazing God. And I am forever thankful to God for this
precious memory.
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